


Do You Love Him?

by sayang



Series: We can ascend from this arrangement [2]
Category: Franz Ferdinand (Band)
Genre: M/M, julian centric, that's it that's the fic, thoughts and feelings about Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-07 23:18:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17375075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sayang/pseuds/sayang
Summary: Julian sorts out his feelings for Alex.





	Do You Love Him?

**Author's Note:**

> This works is purely fictional. Do not show this to any of the band members or anyone who personally knows them. Lurking band members will be stared to death on the next gig we meet. 
> 
> unbeta'd. beware for Mistakes.

“Do you love him?”

 

The ad says, in bold shocking pink letters. The flashy animated hearts, the mismatched colors, and the cheesy stock photo almost made Julian physically belch. His finger hovered above the x sign on the corner of his phone screen. It’s been a long time since he’d seen that type of scammy ads, now that he was able to afford watching shows and buying music legally his browser felt much safer and cleaner. He wasn’t even sure where the ad came from, he’s not sure why he’s even on a website where that would guarantee those pop-up ads, and he was definitely not sure why the first face that popped into his mind at those words was the face of Alex Kapranos.

 

Julian thought nothing much of it at first. But as his thumb slides at the surface of his phone screen and words upon words of article go by Julian found it harder to stop thinking about it. Why Alex? He thought to himself as he bit his lip. Maybe because they just met recently? No big deal, Julian tries to argue with himself. But a part of himself does agree, he does love the man. Like a brother, Julian thought. No, perhaps like a good friend. Julian nodded. He then smiled at himself because of the surge of fond memories of the older man that filled his mind. The way his face lit up whenever he sees Julian, the way he would proudly say his name as he introduced Julian on stage, the way he throw his head back when Julian cracks a joke that’s to his liking, the way he pats Julian on the back after a long hard day of recording, the way he’d rest his hand on the small of Julian’s back because his shoulders are a bit too high up, the way he would lean in to Julian and gave him a reassuring smile every time they’re about to set on stage, and oh god the thoughts won’t stop and Julian can even feel himself blushing. Why was his face heating up?! Julian had to physically touch his face to stop whatever it was his body was trying to do.

 

Julian took a deep breath. Okay, maybe he does love Alex in _that_ way. His phone long abandoned by that point, Julian rested his palms on the coffee table in front of him. He’s slightly trembling from the intensity of his feelings just now. He will figure this out, everything will be alright, he assured himself.

 

_Do you love him?_

 

Julian recalled back to the first time they have met. Alex contacting him, which that itself had given butterflies in his stomach, and then going out for curry later on. Alex was very welcoming when he first met him. It was a laid back meeting and they talked about plenty of things. Alex was an easy person to converse with, he was witty yet wasn’t snobbish. He was generous in offering his smiles, had laughed plenty even, and Julian really felt at ease almost immediately at his presence.

 

Then it involved to actual music making, which Julian was very excited about. When he’d heard the song the band was working on he’d fell in love instantly. In his mind he already conjured up potential tunes he could work with the track. With the band being open to suggestions Julian never hesitated in sharing his ideas. Whenever he does, he only noticed now, Alex had always intently listened to whatever he had to say, his green eyes piercing their gaze on Julian. Alex also seemed to be very pleased at Julian’s finesse on the keys. Getting complimented on his music skills had always been a great feeling, even so when it’s by fellow musicians, specially ones who he had been a fan of for quite some time. He learned new things while making music with the band, but he also felt like the band learned new things from him as well. It’s a new experience for him and fortunately it was not as intimidating as he had thought. Alex was always very supportive of him, and it was fun to be around people who was able to bounce back all the musical discussions he’d bring up.

 

As Julian recalled back to the point where Dino had joined the band alongside him, he started to notice more things. He had always felt Alex gave him a tad bit extra attention that he thought was there because he was a new member. But Dino joined and he never felt the attention subside in any way. Nor did he felt like Alex gave that same attention to Dino. Up until present day Alex constantly made sure that he always had his back, a warm and comforting presence that he was grateful for now as he just realized it.

 

_Do you love him?_

 

A few days after Julian had started to notice his feelings for his friend, they meet up again. Alex had suggested a jam session, see if anything come up that could be developed later on for their next album. By then Julian had ceased thinking too much into the whole Alex thing, but as he walked up the steps to the studio he felt his hand sweat and his heart beating faster. As if the world conspired around him the figure of his daydreams appeared on the front door of their studio building.

 

“Julian!”

 

There it is, Julian thought. The way his face lit up, Julian called back to his exact thoughts just a few days prior.

 

“That’s me,” Julian answered a bit lamely. Alex still let out a chuckle at the lame answer and that shouldn’t even offend Julian, but he somehow did albeit just a bit. Just because Alex was able to still find Julian’s lame jokes funny, unsure if he was just that supportive of Julian or he secretly enjoys lame humor. Julian hoped it was the latter.

 

The session didn’t leave him room to mull over his thoughts, luckily enough. He let his fingers danced loosely on the keyboard. God he missed that feeling. After their world tour everyone had retreated back to their own homes, to their own lives, and for Julian it was resting time aka doing anything else other than music. But even then he still missed the way the smooth keys felt under his fingertips and the beautiful rhythm it emits as he pressed the right buttons. Out of habit he looked up and stared straight ahead to where Alex should be standing. His heart almost dropped when he immediately locked eyes with Alex, who also happen to be looking at him. Alex let out a smile as he strummed harder on his guitar. Julian wished he could do the same but instead his whole body went on lockdown and he had paused all movements. Saving grace came in the form of Dino Bardot, that sauntered by in front of him, blocking Alex from his view. His body released itself from all rigidness and he was back to normal. Dino was happily producing his own tunes from his strings, but his eyes were focused on something else. Julian glanced at the direction Dino was staring at and Julian could only raise his brow in question at what--or to be exact, who--Dino was making eyes with. Paul was playing a consistent beat on the drums while his gaze was fixated on the guitarist. Julian had never seen that look on Paul before, and suddenly he felt like he was interrupting an exchange he should never had seen. He quickly focused back on his keyboard playing in hopes no one had noticed how he had stopped playing for a split second.

 

“Tired already?” Alex’s voice reached to him from the other end of the room. Julian almost winced and when he noticed that Alex had also paused his playing, that he hoped was not because he had stopped, he tried not to visibly cringe because lord that man was doing things to his heart.

 

“Let’s take five,” Alex had decided. Julian let out a shaky breath. When he looked up he watched Alex’s back as he left the room.

 

_Do you love him?_

 

The break lasted longer than intended. Somehow they ended up lounging on the studio couch. Julian sat on one end of the couch, Bob mirroring him. Like any other modern man Julian wasted his time by scrolling on his phone. He wasn’t particularly looking at anything until Bob poked him on the hip.

 

“Look at this,” Bob leaned in closer. He tilted his phone to Julian so he could see what was on the screen. It’s the photo of him and Alex in their matching Barry tee. Julian didn’t see what the deal was until he noticed it was a fan who reuploaded the photo.

 

“Oh Em Gee they look like father and son, smiley emoji,” Julian read its captions aloud. He gave a laugh at that, “that’s not true.”

 

Bob let out a loud Hah!

 

That’s not true is it? Julian asked himself internally.

 

“Do you think it’s true?”

 

Bob shrugged, “I mean.. I can kind of see it.”

 

The door swung open and came in Alex holding two cans of beer. He sat on the head of the couch just beside Julian and dangled the can in front of Julian’s face.

 

“Here, drink up,” Alex offered. Julian took the can, it’s not like he had much of a choice anyway.

 

As he clicked open the can he saw from the corner of his eyes how Bob was smiling to himself. Julian thought nothing of it until it was apparent that Bob was smiling _at_ him.

 

“Oh, fuck off,” Julian playfully kicked Bob’s leg. Bob snickered.

 

“What? What is it?” Alex asked, confused at the sudden exchange between the other boys on the couch.

 

“Nothing,” Julian muttered as he sipped his drink. Bob won’t quit though, he even laughed harder.

 

“Did he do anything to you?” Alex questioned further, even nudging Julian in hopes of emitting an answer from the younger man.

 

“Stooop,” Julian whined in reply which proved to be the wrong move because Bob now was having a field day watching all of it. Even though Alex didn’t understand what was happening he grinned along.

 

“Come on, what is it that’s tickling Bob?”

 

Julian tried not to laugh along, biting his lips to avoid any laugh escaping even though a smile was definitely tugging at the corners of his mouth. Then his drink was snatched away.

 

“No drink until you tell me what’s going on,” Alex commanded. It wasn’t serious though, as he was still grinning.

 

Julian didn’t want to admit anything because deep inside he was afraid if it were true. That would be kind of weird wouldn’t it? He does not have daddy issues to guarantee him looking for other father figures outside of his own dad. So he just threw his hands up in defeat, the drink was good while it lasted even if only for a few sips.

 

“Dad and son!” Bob exclaimed, still giggling. That arse. Julian tried to laugh it off.

 

Alex was silent from confusion for a brief minute before he started laughing along.

 

“Am I? Are we?” He looked down at Julian on the couch, and Julian tilted his head back to stare at the questioning man. Alex playfully placed the butt of Julian’s can on the keyboardist’s forehead in a silly gesture.

 

_Do you love him?_

 

They decided that day wasn’t a good day to properly think of a song. The jam session only continued for a short period of time before Bob announced he had to be somewhere else. Alex then followed suit. Julian was still in the studio tidying up his equipment. Dino and Paul were talking about something but Julian had tuned them out. His mind started to wander back at his exchange with Alex earlier during break. Does Julian view Alex as his older brother, even possibly parental figure? They were 13 years apart but Julian hadn’t always felt that way. He was pretty sure he viewed Alex as his equal in some instances. While he was brooding his thoughts he failed to notice that Paul had left the room.

 

It was just him and Dino left at the soundproof room. He watched as Dino’s gaze was tailing after Paul, who was still visible through the studio window. Dino only broke the contact after Paul had disappeared behind the door. Dino went back to arranging his cables but a smile was visibly plastered on his face. Only then Dino noticed Julian was staring at him. Julian didn’t miss the way Dino’s ears turned red from embarrassment from being caught staring at Paul.

 

“Okay,” Julian said, as if he understood what’s going on. He doesn’t, but he does notice a slight change in dynamic between the guitarist and the drummer for quite a while now. Julian had his guesses, and after seeing both of them just interacted he was reminded of how he himself acted back when he was a wee lad crushing on the prettiest girl at school.

 

“What?” Dino whipped his head at Julian’s direction.

 

“Nothing.” Julian hummed as he wiped at a small corner from his synth board. Pretending to clean up his already spotless equipment.

 

Dino opened his mouth to speak but he closed it again. Clearly trying to come up with a statement, answer, or any form of rebuttal. His face was still flushed. They both continued to tidy up in silence with Dino finishing up first.

 

“Right,” he awkwardly stood up and faced Julian. He looked like he didn’t know where to place his hands as he kept moving them from his guitar case strap, to brushing a strand of hair to his face, and then to his pockets. Julian offered an apologetic smile, he felt slightly guilty for making Dino squirmy but it wasn’t his fault they openly flirted in front of everyone. Bob probably already knew, Julian thought to himself, amused. “I’ll see you around.” and with that Dino nodded and left.

 

Julian collected his remaining things, which usually wouldn’t even take that long but his thoughts kept bothering him.

 

_Do you love him?_

 

Dino and Paul. Julian was glad that now he was at least thinking of anyone else outside of Alex. He was surprised at the first sign he noticed that something was definitely going on between the two. It was during one of their world tour gigs. Paul would always hop along to wherever Dino went. Not long after that he noticed during one of their recreational trips when Paul hopped over to Dino, literally hopping over to him, and was slightly too eager that he crashed on the older man. They both giggled, as if sharing an inside joke, and for a slight moment he caught a glimpse of how Paul had entwined his fingers with Dino’s. Julian brushed off any suspicions at that time, but now he’s not quite sure that the gesture was just playful banter.

 

So Julian reached for his phone and texted the only guy he knew would probably know.

 

**Julian: Bob.**

 

It didn’t take long for the tick icon to turn blue. Message read.

 

**Bob: Yes?**

 

**Julian: I hope this isn’t weird but I have to ask**

**Julian: Paul and Dino…**

 

He saw the three dots icon on Bob’s side of the chats. Bob is typing…

 

**Bob: So you finally noticed too huh?**

 

Even though Bob couldn’t see him at that moment, Julian nodded.

 

**Julian: Yeah**

 

Bob was typing up his answer again. This time it took him longer to answer, there were a few pauses. Julian drummed his fingers impatiently.

 

**Bob: Hope you’re not too bothered with it? Quite frankly I don’t want to butt in their business but sometimes it’s just very in your face you know? Maybe we should talk about it some time with the band in the future? Idk though just a thought.**

 

**Julian: Yeah.. I mean it’s great I guess that they found each other (?)**

**Julian: Caught me a bit off guard tho**

 

**Bob: They sorta knew each other back then. Maybe picked up where they left off? Haha..**

 

Julian was in the middle of typing up his answer when Bob’s chat bubble popped in first before he even finished.

 

**Bob: I guess being in a band together all cooped up had blossomed their old feelings.**

 

Julian was silent. Suddenly, he thought of their band leader again. Julian erased the rest of his message, his train of thought lost along with his desire to talk. So Julian decided to close the conversation.

 

**Julian: Yeah..**

 

_Do you love him?_

 

Their next band meeting came sooner than expected. Even though it wasn’t for another jamming session but Dino had invited everyone over for dinner. It’s Grendel’s birthday, which Julian thought was adorable that Dino would go all the way as to celebrate it. Julian stopped by the pet shop to pick up a toy Grendel might like as a birthday gift.

 

Dinner was simple, they ordered take out. Dino had a few friends outside of the band over but it wasn’t a big party. The scene dwindled into drinks and relaxed conversations. Julian placed himself near the kitchen counter, where he was patting the birthday girl Grendel.

 

“Hope you like the gift I got for you,” Julian cooed at the black cat. She purred.

 

“I think she’d like it,” a familiar voice answered for her. Julian didn’t have to turn his head to know it was none other than Dino. “she had a similar toy a few months back, quite fond of it. Too fond actually that she chewed it until the whole thing fell apart.”

 

“Already opening up the presents now, are we?”

 

Dino shrugged, “Wasn’t me I swear. Alan gets nosy at boxes.”

 

Julian continued giving Grendel scratches under her chin. Both he and Dino fell into comfortable silence, the other party goers’ conversations just a murmur in the background. As Julian absentmindedly gave his attention to Grendel his thoughts made another run for it, like it had been doing lately. He’s reminded of his last awkward encounter with Dino. As much as he wanted to drop the subject he knew he had to ask, for his own sake of figuring out his own feelings.

 

“How did you know?” Julian asked. Dino was pouring himself another drink, his back to Julian. But Julian noticed the way Dino’s shoulder tensed.

 

Julian thought Dino was trying to evade the conversation again because for the longest time he was silent. He even thought Dino doesn’t know what Julian had meant. The prolonged silence started to worry Julian thinking Dino might’ve spilled his drink from shock. But he was surprised he got an answer at all.

 

“I don’t know,” Dino said. He was still not looking at Julian. “It-it just happened, I guess.”

 

Dino then turned to look straight at Julian, his hand clutching the glass of wine. Julian was surprised to see a look of content on the older man’s face.

 

“Paul’s always been there for me,” Dino swindled the wine inside his glass. “We were comfortable with each other. We knew exactly what we’re both going through.”

 

He had the face of a man in love, Julian was sure of that. Julian’s expression soften to understanding and he smiled back at Dino. Dino felt relieved having finally let the cat out of the bag, at least to Julian.

 

“Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a party I need to host.” Dino hoisted Grendel away from the kitchen counter and left the area.

 

Comfortable with each other, Julian echoed Dino’s words in his mind. He was comfortable with Alex. In all ways. He was comfortable in opening up to the man about his more personal problems, he felt secure with his masculinity enough to get touchy with Alex if he so desire, he was even comfortable with the older man to trust him in artistic choices on their career as a band together. If Dino and Paul had found each other in that sense, then maybe he and Alex…

 

Julian, while hopeful, was still highly unsure if that was what he wanted. He took a huge gulp from his abandoned drink on the counter. And then another. Well fuck it, Julian decided and downed the whole glass in one go. His hands found itself to the bottle Dino had left on the table earlier and he poured himself another glass.

 

_Do you love him?_

 

He’s so tired of asking himself that question. He had thought of it from almost every possible point of view. He joined in to a conversation or two, just to keep his mind off of his intrusive thoughts. His glass always in various forms of full. As the night grew later the more tipsy Julian felt. At one point Dino probably brought out the harder stuff that Julian did not hesitate offering his glass to. His body felt warmer than before and he was more giggly than he usually was.

 

“Home,” he heard himself mutter.

 

Paul, who was in the middle of conversation with him, paused his dialogue.

 

“Oh, you wanna head home mate?” he looked up at Julian. Paul probably noticed how drunk Julian was getting and he pried the glass away from his hands. “There you go,” Paul said as he successfully put the glass away from Julian’s hands. Paul directed Julian to the front door, they passed Dino along the way who shot them both a concerned look.

 

“Had too much of a drink, this one.” Paul told his lover. Dino made a face. Paul kept pushing Julian further away from the party. While Julian was trying not to stumble while walking, it was when he halted to a sudden stop that really almost made him tumble to the ground.

 

Alex was putting on his coat, apparently ready to head back as well.

 

“Ah, perfect!” Paul exclaimed, peeking from behind the taller drunk man. “Julian here had a bit too much to drink. Mind seeing home safe? We still need a keyboardist.” Julian can hear the grin on Paul’s voice.

 

Alex gave him a soft smile, reached out a hand to Julian, and said, “Alright. Let’s get you home.”

 

Earlier that night Julian would’ve hesitated taking Alex’s hand, but half intoxicated it seemed that all thinking was thrown out the window. He eagerly took the older man’s hand. Alex helped him into his jacket, he felt 8 again, being helped into his jacket in front of the front door ready to go. They said their goodbyes to Paul and head off to the cool night.

 

Julian slightly swayed as he walked to where Alex has parked his car. Alex even went as far as to buckle Julian’s seatbelt, swatting Julian’s protesting hands when the younger man yelled at Alex he could do it on his own to which Alex doubt. Julian’s mind still felt a bit muddy but the clear night air sweeping his face as Alex drove leisurely down the road sobered him bit by bit. Julian enjoyed the silent company and the tender care the older man had offered him through the whole ride home that he felt sad when they passed by the familiar buildings of his neighborhood. Once arriving at the destination--Julian’s flat--Alex helped him out of the car.

 

Julian did not hesitate draping himself all over Alex. Alex let out a huff trying to hold Julian’s weight and making sure both of them doesn’t topple over the front yard, making a ruckus. Alex put Julian’s arm on his shoulders and helped Julian walk the steps to his room. The close contact made Julian giddy. He wanted more. So when they reached his place, after hastily fumbling with the keys, Julian pulled Alex in with him. Julian maneuvered, to his own surprise, so that he had Alex pinned to the closed door of his flat. The whole place was dark, safe for the bit of moonlight seeping from the window on the other side of the room. Julian placed a hand on the door just beside Alex’s left ear. Towering a good something inches from Alex, Julian loomed over the older man. His expression unreadable. Alex didn’t restrain at all, though he stared at Julian the whole time with wide curious eyes. He was looking up at Julian, expression trying to remain neutral, and both hands calmly pressed to his own sides. Julian felt himself breathe slightly louder, he wasn’t sure why.

 

“Julian?” Alex finally spoke to him. His voice gentle and velvety. Julian fluttered his eyes just from hearing his voice.

 

“Shhh,” Julian put up a finger over Alex’s mouth. This time he’s in control, Julian convinced himself.

 

“What are you going to do, Julian?” Alex asked again, as if Julian’s commands fell on deaf ears. Julian didn’t push any further though as he was never that type of person to begin with.

 

Julian didn’t know what he was going to do. He tried to think, for an answer at least, but his mind was still hazy, and having Alex so close to him on his own space was slowly driving him mad.

 

Gentle hands were pressed to his shoulders.

 

“Let’s get you to bed,” that velvety voice was back. Julian almost moaned in response. He didn’t though, thankfully he still had some sort of restraint over his actions. He let himself be guided to his room by the older man. They both shuffled through the dark flat. Once in the bedroom Alex turned on the bedside table lamp as Julian plopped himself down to the bed. He felt Alex’s hands on him again helping him off from his jacket and shoes. Julian let himself enjoy being pampered until he realized that when all of it was done Alex was probably going to head home. Suddenly desperation tugged at his heart. What if there won’t be another chance to find out?

 

Julian whined, surprising Alex, and grabbed on the first thing he could grab on to which happened to be Alex’s upper thigh.

 

“Julian? Do you need anything?” Alex leaned down, his voice so close to his ears. If Julian had felt warm before, now he felt like he was burning all over.

 

“Stay.” was all Julian could manage. His eyes already closed but hands never letting go, though Alex had swapped his thigh with his own hand somewhere along the way.

 

“Alright,” Alex complied. Julian let out a content sigh. And then he tensed up again because he was supposed to do something, anything, to finally decide it right then and there what Alex meant to him.

 

Alex scooted himself to the bed, next to Julian and sat down with his back to the headboard. Hand still tight in Julian’s grip. Alex’s hand felt warm and comforting, the hands of a friend. Julian thought.

 

“There, there,” Julian heard Alex say. “Go easy on yourself, yeah?”

 

Julian nodded.

 

“Can’t show up to work if you’re too hungover,” aaand there is Alex the bandmate talking. The work partner. Julian liked this Alex, he was professional and Julian looked up to him a lot.

 

Alex let go of his hand from Julian’s weakening grip to stroke his hair. This is the brother figure Alex, Julian then thought. Or, Dad Alex, he let himself said in his own mind. This Alex wasn’t so bad too, he cares for Julian and Julian had a guilty pleasure of being coddled even at this this age.

 

Then he felt something warm pressed into his temples. Julian opened his eyes in surprise. Alex just kissed him in the forehead. This was Alex the lover. Romantic Alex. The one that gave Julian butterflies in his stomach. So it’s true that he does love Alex in that way as well? Julian asked himself. He looked up to Alex, trying to set his mind straight.

 

He then took a good look at Alex. He was looking down at Julian with a warm smile, the smile that always comforted Julian no matter what. Alex had brought his hand to Julian’s shoulder now, stroking his thumbs gently over it. Julian felt all the love coursing through him from the older man. He was only able to look at the man, too weak, too muddled, too embarrassed, too scared even to do anything.

 

_Do you love him?_

 

Yes.

 

In more ways than one.

 

Julian loved Alex as a friend. Julian loved Alex as a bandmate. Julian loved Alex like a brother. Julian loved Alex as a lover.

 

Julian couldn’t understand if that was a bad thing or not. He’s past the point of caring though, honestly. Alex was there, he was always there ever since that meeting over curry. Alex made sure he was always and will always be there for Julian. And as Alex laid himself beside Julian on the bed, hands never leaving his side, he decided he’d stop mulling over it so much. If Alex wanted Julian to be a friend to him, Julian will. So will he when Alex needed a reliable keyboardist, or as a brother when he needed a shoulder to cry on, or as a lover to warm the cold nights. Julian finally felt at peace. He smiled at the face who was staring back at the pillow next to him. Julian knows that Alex knows this too, perhaps after all this time.

 

“Good night, Julian.” Alex said, voice soothing.

 

“Good night, Alex.” Julian replied in a small voice, and then smiled.

 

Julian slept most peaceful that night, in the arms of the man that he loved.

**Author's Note:**

> i stayed up until 4AM to finish this but i am satisfied. thank you for reading this word vomit that i wasn't even sure where it came from.


End file.
